Have You Ever?
Not sure how to close out that last week of summer? Wanna really go out with a bang? I’ve got a few activities that may tickle your fancy. Feel free to let me know how it goes should you try a few of these.
-Have you ever taken your dog to a crowded park, and instead of using his real name you call him Hitler? Try phrases like, “Go get the ball, Hitler!” or “Who’s a good boy?!?!? Hitler is!!” Say it loud, and say it proud. This will be sure to turn a few heads.
-Have you ever gone through a drive through and ordered at least $25 worth of food, pulled up to the window, and then tried to explain to the employee that you can only pay in sexual favors? This is sure to deliver the lols especially at around two a.m. because that is when the most eccentric employees are working. You will be amazed at the responses you get.
-Have you ever gone to a bar and pretended to be deaf when guys come up to you and ask you to dance? This is good for two reasons. One being that he may buy you a few drinks because he is that drunk, and he finds it “cool” that you are deaf. The second reason being that he may just walk away, which is good for you if A) you did not want to dance with him or B) you are a guy and your boat doesn’t float that way.
-Have you ever approached a Middle Eastern male at an airport and insisted that he show you his Al Qaeda handbook? This little shenanigan is only for the brave as it is likely you will end up on a “no fly” list after this altercation. You’ll probably make the front page of a few newspapers, and Jay Leno will probably crack few jokes about you so it could end up paying off. Hell, maybe you’ll be the next Snooki. Dare to dream.
Share this with your friends, and share it with your bros. If you’re a pimp then share it with your hoes.
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MORE SHIT I HATE
Remember when I said I was going to start writing lighter, happier pieces? Well, fuck that. I scrapped that idea a long time ago. I’m gonna give you bitches some more hatin’ because bitches love hatin’. After all, that is what the title of this blog suggests. So here we are, yet again, with another list of the little things that make me want to go Casey Anthony on kids.
1. \/\/ l-l 3 l\l p30pl3 tYp3 l1k3 t l-l !$
Translation: When people type like this.
-Seriously. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It’s just damn frustrating and stupid. This shit pops up all over my newsfeed on Facebook, and diverts my attention from the important statuses and pictures that I must creep. Who even has the time to do this? Go read a fucking book if you’re that bored. Unless you are Ke$ha, please keep using the s key on the keyboard.
2. The names for colors that Crayola gives their crayons
-What ever happened to ROY G BIV? Simplicity, people. It’s a beautiful thing. When I have kids (someday) I don’t expect my 2 year old to say to me, “Mama my favorite color is periwinkle,” or “Mommy isn’t that chartreuse bird pretty?” Why even bother with a name? Blue is blue and yellow is yellow. Let them worry about chartreuse and periwinkle when they have to paint a house.
3. People who drive Audis
- Most of the time they don’t even speak english, and they drive around like they own this country. Turn down your techno music, lose the Ed Hardy shirt, and take off the sunglasses because it’s 11 pm. Maybe then we will respect you, your people, and your cars.
4. When people talk in a movie theater
-I’m here to watch the movie not listen to you critique it as it is going on. SHUT UP FOR 2 FUCKING HOURS. PLEASE.
5. Leaving messages
-This is just awkward and stressful. Who actually listens to their voicemail? Not me. I go through a full rehearsal before I make a phone call because I don’t want to sound like a damn fool in case the person who I am calling does not answer. My heart rate increases as the monotonous screeches of the ring continue. Once I finally finish, and think that I have triumphed, I soon learn that I wasted my time on that beautifully crafted 30 second spiel because the person returns my call only to inform me that he or she didn’t listen to the message. THANKS, ASSHOLE.
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If you liked this tweet/post/reblog it everywhere and anywhere.
Baboon Seen on the Loose in New Jersey
(JACKSON, N.J.) — A baboon has been seen on the loose in the Garden State. There have been at least four sightings, according to Jackson, N.J., police, and officers are still working to track down the primate. “We do dispatch officers to each of the resident calls, but none of the officers have observed the animal,” said Capt. David Newman of the Jackson Police Department. “He’s been on the move.”
(Source: abcnewsradioarchive)
FAQ
Do you ever ask yourself the same question repeatedly? Wake up in the dead of the night scratching your head because you’re just mind blown? Well, kids you’re in luck. Here is a list of some frequently asked questions of the utmost importance to today’s culture. I’ve provided you with answers for each FAQ through the two things I know best: Ignorance and vulgarity.
*Disclaimer: Everything on this blog is published in a sardonic tone. The writer(s) of this blog have no intentions of hurting readers’ feelings, but if you do not take kindly to sarcasm then you should stop reading right here.
1. Why isn’t Taco Bell open 24 hours?
- Seriously, people. Do you know how shitty my weekends are when we don’t make it to the drive-thru before 2 AM? Bars close at 2 AM. That means I don’t stumble out until about 2:15, which means I don’t find a cab until 2:30. And that’s the weekend. These lazy asses close up shop at one in the morning during the week. There has to be some single mother desperately in need of a job with a 4 month old child at home that can make me my steak quesadilla at 3 AM. She needs a job. I need something to soak up the alcohol. Give her the job, and give me the quesadilla so the circle of life can continue on happily.
2. Why haven’t I gotten my period this month?
-Are you 16? Are you a minority? If you answered yes to either or both of those questions then you best be reading the directions on the back of a Plan B box instead of this blog.
3. What happened to the Jonas Brothers?
-Does anyone know?? Does anyone care?? Hail naw! WE GOT J BEIBS, Y’ALL!!
4. Why did I like picking my nose in kindergarten?
- Another truly baffling mystery. I watch my cousin dig for gold when I babysit him and I just don’t understand the joy I found in discovering a booger at that age. It wasn’t the booger’s appearance. It wasn’t the smell, and it definitely wasn’t the taste. Perhaps we’ll just leave this topic alone.
5. How can I look busy walking to class in order to avoid eye contact with the guy I drunkenly hooked up with and threw up all over last night ?
-Put a paper bag over your head and run as fast as you fucking can. That’s how.
6. Why do black people get tattoos?
-They can’t just let anyone play in the NBA. A tattoo is like the golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. You got your whole family inked on your arm, but no can see it? Not a problem. You’ll get drafted in the first round for sure.
7. Why is the corrections system in this country often times considered racist?
-…It’s not. Why is this even a question.
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God is good, y’all.
SHIT I HATE.
I figured I would start this b with an incredibly pessimistic, dark, twisted, post just so I can grab your attention, and so you can get a taste of the posts that are to come. I’ll likely follow it up with something a bit lighter so you critics don’t label me as a sassy bitch that does nothing but complain. Without further adieu, here is a list of a few things that irk me beyond belief.
1. When order #s have letters in them.
-Bitch, this shit is an order NUMBER. Why are there 3 Ws, 2 Zs, and a T in it, and why the fuck are some of them capitalized and some lower case?!?! Also, newsflash, ! @ % are not numbers either. If you’re going to add all the extra bs why not just call it an order code? Or how about just sticking to numbers like the title implies? Typing an order “number” on an iPhone would be that much easier if I only had to type in numbers.
2. When people come to complete stops at stop signs.
- What, what, what are you doing? There is not one other car around. No cops. I got shit to do today! You coming to a complete stop is preventing me from getting my shit done, and you just look like a damn fool. Congrats, you’re following the law, but now you’ve got a slew of people like me behind you revving their engines. Do yourself a favor and add a “rolling stop” to your driving techniques or just don’t drive. It’s people like you who cause accidents.
3. Justin Bieber
- Do I even need an explanation?
4. When people who don’t have twitter accounts #dothis on Facebook.
- Like, what the fuck? Twitter is Twitter, and Facebook is Facebook. What is there not to get? You’re not cool because you’re using two social networking sites at once, and you’re probably not even funny. #juststop <—- Lexi Bueno likes this.
5. Praising 2 year olds for their artwork.
- Two words for this. Absolute bullshit. My cousin gets his “masterpieces” displayed on the fridge like they are the hottest things since Picaso. Fyi, these “masterpieces” are violent scribbles on a piece of construction paper. Yet here I am, busting my ass at a private university, staying up until 4 am to study for my Introduction to Biological Anthropology final, and I can’t even get a pat on the back. This kid can’t even talk. He doesn’t even know what his name is. He wears a diaper. I can take the derivative of an alegbraic expression, do a literary analysis of Hamlet, and I wipe my own ass. Anyone else see a little favoritism here?
Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. If you liked it keep coming back for more. If you didn’t like it then go enjoy a Justin Beiber music video.
God is good, y’all.
xoxo Gossip Girl.
